Local

(This was written before the smoking ban but my feelings haven't changed so I've left it unedited!)

I flatter myself that I am something of a connoisseur when it comes to pubs. By which of course I mean that I’m extremely picky and have very narrow views on what makes a good pub and particularly a good local. I wish to share these views with you for two reasons: one, to encourage debate and feedback and two, because Martin is complaining that he hasn’t had a single new article from me for eighteen months.

In putting forth my preferences, it’s probably worth stating that I do so from an idealistic point of view. Let me explain. Pubs are for drinking in but at no time will I mention the actual cost of booze. (Food is another matter – see below.) I’ll assume that, regardless of other characteristics, prices can be comfortably met as it’s the many other factors comprising a pub which matter most. For example, I’ve spent many an hour in a Wetherspoon’s due to temporary insolvency, but while in my experience, they offer interesting opportunities to spectate brawls and punch-ups while supping stout at £1.09 a pint, they’re not places I’d go to through choice if money were little or no object.

So where to start? I abhor lists, but here does:

1. Alcohol Types

Cask conditioned bitter (a choice of three or more), Guinness for when the mood takes me, red wine for when sense leaves me, premium strength lager for the Summer and plenty of single malt whiskies. ‘Oh dear!’ I hear you say. ‘Pah!’ I reply. These drinks comprise the very essence of my ideal public house. If you want anything different, stick to frequenting bars which are many different kettles of fish! However, if you twist my arm, I’ll allow in a gin and tonic. See how nice I am.

2. Smoke

Those of you who’ve read my short piece on cigarettes will know that I don’t myself smoke but I certainly don’t mind others doing so because of the splendid atmosphere it creates. In fact I’ve been known to enter a pub against my will due to being snared on the pavement by the fug of smoke and related smells emanating from the door. Best of all though is pipe smoke, any variety of which seems to flow through a pub like a benevolent genie, intent on granting the wishes of one’s olfactory passages.

3. Games

I’m of a competitive nature therefore games in a pub are essential. Whilst a pool table is nice, I can take it or leave it. Pool, involving standing and moving as it does, is rather too much like a sport for comfort. Cards and dominoes are the preference here. Just imagine endless hands of high-low-jack, cribbage, bridge, shit-head and no-skill whist with like-minded folk. Heavenly!

4. Adults

I apologise if this seems obvious but I wish to stress a point. Only adults. Meaning no children! Children do not belong in pubs. I’m sorry, but it’s simply a fact of life. Of course it’s not the kids that are the problem. Gang’s of them don’t just invade unsuspecting boozers on a rampaging quest for fizzy drinks and crisps. Well not in my experience anyway. The problem lies with parents who drag their unfortunate offspring with them when they fancy a pint, then proceed to ignore them for the next two hours as if the place was some kind of alcohol soused crèche! Parents should be prosecuted for such behaviour and for the annoyance it causes other patrons. We should start a campaign. Grrr!

5. Food

This should be varied and cheap. The profit margin on food is always high and therefore respectable pubs that value their customers will keep prices down. The best pubs will even lay on free nibbles, however such a place is a rare find. On the snacks front, pork scratchings, pickled eggs and Seabrook crisps are vital. If you’ve never tried Seabrook crisps, I’m afraid you simply haven’t lived.

6. Dogs

I believe a top notch boozer should be dog-friendly. Moreover, friendly should be the dogs. You may not be a dog person and that’s fine. Indeed I myself would never actually own a dog. Yet I find other people’s canines to be an endlessly, inexpensive source of amusement. Frequently seen should be the pub’s ‘crisp hound’. This creature tends to be large and sleepy yet has the ability to detect a packet of ready-salted being opened at 500 paces.

7. Clientele

Much as you should always be able to walk comfortably and solitarily into your favourite pub to read a book or do the crossword etc, it is always satisfying to be assured of a collection of regulars with whom you can converse. None of these should be in any way sane. I find a bunch of drunken eccentrics generally works best. Furthermore, each regular should have some quirk of personality which everyone else can ridicule mercilessly behind their back. Of course, after a while you do begin to wonder what yours is.

So there you have it; my thoughts on the qualities of my ideal pub which, unsurprisingly match the qualities of my actual local. Naturally you will agree or disagree to varying extents but should you feel strongly on any issue, or if you wish to set down your own preferences, please do write in.

In the meantime, I’m off for a drink!